It hurt, not that you care...

So yea, remember that girl that I said kicked me? She still aint talkin to me. I texted her later that day and she was like I aint know you was crying, how would I know unless you tell me and stuff and I said well you coulda asked or said I'm sorry what's wrong or something! and she said well I like to be left alone when I'm mad, so I left you alone. All I said back was if you say so. That's the last thing we said to each other. I'm not tryna throw no tantrum but I'm no longer gonna be the bigger person, especially cause I aint do shit wrong. So lets start me n this girls friendship off from the beginning (for the record, I was fine before she told her mom who told my mom about wanting to be friends)...

So over the summer, and during registration, my mom had been meeting with a few other parents about the ANP after graduation night. They were trying to raise money and all that jazz. Anyway, my mom ended up tellin me that one of the other moms was talking about her daughter. And when she said who it was immediately all I thought was she's popular and stuck up and all this other stuff based off of what I heard and what I observed. I didn't want to be her friend, but you know what, as time moved along, I realized she wasn't that bad and I didn't get why so many people felt that way and I felt bad for jumping the gun. We became close friends fast, although part of me was always hesitant {that something like this would happen!!!} but I let it go. She tells me stuff and I tell her stuff. We became close to, if not, best friends. That's why it hurts so bad. Me n my bestie{different person} have fought before but she can always tell when its something wrong with me. It hurts that someone that wanted to get to know me so well, who will get in my face about EVERYTHING, who always asks what's wrong when it's something wrong with me, couldn't even tell I was crying and I was a foot in front of her. Don't misunderstand, I know friends fight. The thing is, I know she aint gonna say a word about it unless I say something first...I'm not going to. This whole thing is dumb and it got blown wayyyyyyyyy too far, but hell, this is my life. It's always some kind of drama sometime happening to me.

I've made a couple new friends though this year that have the potential to be long term/best friends. We'll see what happens. Life always throws a curveball when you don't need it. Then again, I remember somebody telling my that God never puts more on your plate then what you can handle. My opinion? He puttin wayyyyyyyy to much food on my plate this week. This was some dessert on the side I didn't deserve. And it hurt.

♥ J.L. ♥

Do You Remember?

Ok so yea i'm over W but the problem is, i'll never forget him and the things he did for me and who he was to me. I don't have those feelings for him entirely anymore but, some part of my heart will always love him. This is for him, even though he'll never read it. He is a jerk, and i don't wanna boost his already extremely high ego but the old him was good memories. Idk wtf now.

Do you remember eight years ago when we first me?
We became friends so quickly, I don't even remember how.
Back in fourth grade, things were so much simpler.
Today we barely talk and when we do, it's not the same.
Do you remember eight years ago when we laughed all the time?
Messing around in class, getting along just fine.
Hitting each other like lil kids do.
Do you remember when you played basketball?
You would give me your chain while you played.
At first I would just hold it, then I started wearing it.
It was so nice knowing you trusted me.
Do you remember how close we were?
I thought it was something that would never end
You were the best friend I could have,
Somehow I changed in your eyes, I don't know why.
Do you remember when I broke my ankle?
I was chaising you but I NEVER blamed you for it,
You didn't talk to anyone until I got back,
But you didn't think I ever knew that
Do you remember the laughs and smiles we shared?
You probably don't but i'll never forget.
Those letters I wrote,
the things I said,
all those things I meant.
You're not the same anymore,
I barely know you now,
The ******* I knew is long gone,
But I remember all those things,
giving you a picture, a letter, christmas gifts, valentines
Maybe its not anything important to you
I still wonder,
Do you? Or is it just stuck in my mind.

Yea, I don't like this poem too much lol its ok though at least all my thoughts are out.

Midnight,

J.L.

Start off the day bad.

I should continue on what I said last night but I figure I should update on this morning first. It falls into last night's topic anyway. I dropped my ipod somewhere and its gone. I think I dropped it at school and if someone found it, they're not gonna turn it in. That's just how shit is at my school...my luck. Anyway, i'm heart broken by it. I loved that thing. I was crying for all of first hour and not one person said a damn thing to me. The first person that did kicked me, got mad cause I said i'm not in the mood and said I was just saying Hi and walked away. Friends. My friends. What kind of friend is that? What kind of friends do I have? So I walked to get some paper towel and my friend Janella, who I haven't really talked to much, and who sits on the other side of the room, got up walked to me and gave me a hug and asked what was wrong. Last I checked, that's what a real friend was. Of course I think I know at least a few other people that would do that but I could be wrong. Perfect example is the girl who I thought was a really close friend didn't do anything but kick me and get mad. Maybe I just don't know the definition of a friend. Maybe it has changed. Idk.

On another note. So I talked to W and apparently he aint goin to Eastern. That's what he said anyway, he could be lying so I won't know but I don't really care at this point. I know where I'm going and well...technically that's all that matters. He really just aint the same person to me anymore. He is a jerk. I hate that I loved him and that a part of me always will. He used to be so sweet and a true gentleman. All them sports got to his head. Now he's just like every other jock in high school. The sad thing is, I really thought he would turn out differently. I knew he wouldn't, but part of me had some hope that he would prove me wrong because the potential was there. Now he's an all state tri-athlete jerk. My other friend, Frank, he's not like W at all. He's still real and cool and gives me hugs and so do a few other boys I know that are jocks. To make matters worse, Frank is his best friend. So explain to me how your best friend can stay true to himself and his old friends but you cant. I asked him why did he ditch me when he got to high school and you know the first thing he said? Why did you? I'm like I tried hanging and talkin to you and you never wanted to. Never responded. Then he said right... I said what you mean right? I tried hanging with you over break and you never texted back. He said "sorry lol". I'm glad it's a joke to you. I'll keep that in mind when I'm reminising on all the old memories like when I broke my ankle, those letters I wrote you, messing with you in fourth and fifth grade. Those things will only be a memory from now on. At first I thought they were hope to a good friendship future. Now that future barely exists.

I gotta get ready to go back to school.

J.L.

Something to say...

Finals were last week, my final semester of high school is now activated. I sware it feels like yesterday I was a freshman and now for it to be almost over...it blows my mind. I do feel as though everything is spiraling out of my control though. It's always something else going on or something else happening. Not to mention the fact that friends seem to be getting faker and faker by the damn day. It's funny how on a normal day that aint got shit to say to you but then when they need somethin they're all around you begging. It's so funny to me. Recently, depression has just been hitting me harder and harder. Between me struggling with my weight, school, SPANISH CLUB CUZ OF MS. ******!!!!, and just friends/personal life in general, it's hitting me really bad.

The spanish club situation is making me want to quit. I used to love being in Spanish Club. Especially with Mr. M***** running it. With me becoming President, the club took a new turn. Now all of a sudden I'm not a good leader, irresponsible, don't contribute or anything like that. That's only her opinion. No one else in the club feels i'm that way (nor does the ex sponsor). So my question is Wtf is she on? Why is there a grudge against me? I have no idea. I don't really want to know either to be honest, it's just getting completely ridiculous. I could just quit Spanish Club, I don't need the stress. NHS covers the stress area enough lol.
NHS: 10 tutoring hours, 10 Character Points, 10 Community Service Hours, 2 Leadership Points. I have not even 1 tutoring hour (which can only take place at the library, field zone, or @ school, 2:30-4:30 Mon-THurs @ field zone, thursdays til 4 @ school). I'm going to try and do Tuesdays at the field zone but I don't really know. International club gets @ least 6 community service hours which is cool. Now I only have to worry about four. Community service hours are set which makes me feel good. Character points, right now I have two but I have @ least 3 more coming. You get a leadership point for each committee you actively participate in. I'm in three and then president of Spanish Club...if I don't quit. Lol.

Friends...you know thise was the main reason I was gonna do a blog today but I figure I would vent it all instead of just part of it. There are a lot of people I could name that haven't even been the same. I look around, especially during my third hour, and see all the people I used to be close with at different points in my high school life and it makes me shake my head. However, there are some people that have actually been doing really small random stuff that makes me feel like someone notices when I'm not at school. One person is Troy. Him and I have never really been that close, but you know what? Everytime he sees me, he says hi and gives me a hug. When i've been absent and come back to school, he gets on me about not being there in a playful mannor. That small tiny thing makes me feel so good just to know that someone notices. I know other people do too, and I know that my true friends care too but I don't know. Seeing someone that I'm not that close to notice and show me that they are friends if I need them made me feel good.

I'm getting tired so I'll finish l8r.

J.L.

A Concentration of..........

So yea, I haven't been on here a lot but there has been a lot goin on I guess you could say. I kinda don't really know who I am anymore. Well, only a few more months of high school and then three months of summer and off to school. Guess where I'll be going? MSU. That's a big accomplishment for me, I never really thought I would. I guess then I can some what start over but to be honest, I don't know when or if I'll be happy. Everything keeps spiraling out of my hands and I don't think I have the strength to deal with it. My boyfriend and I keep fighting about stupid stuff and I feel like we are so close to breaking up. A friend, someone that I thought was a friend, for many years, that i missed so much has turned into the biggest most arrogant jerk alive. Well, you get my point. So there's that, finals are this week, NHS Tutoring needs to get done and I just dk how I'ma do it all :( There is more to say but i don't know how right now so I'll try again l8r.

@^$#%^

So, I'm sitting next to my friend and we're reading the Blue Jays newspaper online and all of a sudden I saw a picture of one of my oldest friends and where he was ging to school. Somewhere I don't want to go of course. I am really just a little...hurt I guess...maybe let down...to be honest I have no fuckin idea what I feel. I'm angry and hurt and I guess a little of everything. He's going to Eastern...I am not even considering there...part of me wants to cry. He's always been there for me and now... I mean ok, he and I haven't been that close in a verrrrrrrry long time but he was there when I needed him when I was younger and he was the person he looked out for me and cared for me when I broke my ankle and let me hold his chain when he played basketball and now...! It won't happen again!! I hate him! I hate loving him as a friend and as more! All I've done is look out for him and he's always been there! I...he didn't do anything wrong by deciding to go there but now...now it's really goodbye. I don't know how to let him go...

Eeeny Meeny Miny...

Ok so...second blog...Here we go...(my boyfriend is sitting on the couch lol long different story)

So I have 5 topics according to my short reminder...oops 4. First topic was the Sonya thing.

I was checking my facebook page just to check requests and delete some stuff that wasn't needed and I saw one of my friend's statuses (if that's how you spell it) and it said "I'm starting to feel like I'm destined to be alone forever" (if not some variation of that). My first reaction is what?? We are the same age! She's actually older than me by a few months. I told her no she's not but she said she thinks she is. This got me thinking about my life. I had my first kiss in the 6th grade, only now do I realize how young I was. We (my class and friends) are still so young and yet we are so worried about having a man and being in love and it just makes me realize how fast we are trying to grow up. True we will be 18 soon, if we're not already, and will be legal adults but 18 is a baby compared to 30. Just like 30 is a baby compared to 50 and 6 is a baby compared to 20. There are so many things in life that we have left to experience that we shouldn't be worried about "love" right now. Sure look around, find a good guy to make you know what it's like. If you truely find someone who really is your knight in shining armor or your queen then enjoy it and live it while it's good. But if you don't, it's no big deal! We have our whole lives ahead of us, its no big if you don't find that guy right now.

Random but my bf is scratching my scalp it feel so good...ok all done. lol

Next...well the next two things could be long and again I got hw to do. So i'll have to do it tomorrow or another day. One thing I think I'm gonna start doing is like a song of the week or month. Think it would be cool. Well that's all for now.

J.L.<3

Something to think about...

Ok so I really have to do homework but I want to right (type whatever lol) about some things I wanna talk about so I don't forget.

• sonya destined to be alone
• Obama bail out plan
• friends via Lex
• song of the day,week, something...

Ok dont take my post thinking to hard on it. This is just a way for me to remember what I need to talk about other wise I will forget....trust.

J.L.

Day in the Life

It always seems like their is something to do...why did break have to end??? Between NHS and Spanish Club and Class Board and AP Classes it NEVER ENDS! Don't get me wrong I love all those things but I am running on two hours of sleep and I know I won't finish it all. Not to mention some days I just want me time. For example, today I have AP Bio definitions and I need to finish copying over the notes and TAKE notes of my own, I need to start reading the AP Gov chapter, finish reading AP Psych and read chapter two for AP Lit. Plus I need to write some stuff for creative writing but I probably won't do that today. Also I have to start writing out a character chart for Lit...it's a lot. I need some way of organizing it all. I'm just so tired it's crazy.

In other news, Christmas was cool. DIdn't get a lot but I didn't really ask for anything. I became obsessed with this Manga series and finished reading all of the books that were out in one week. New Years was ok, didn't really do much. To be honest, I hate new years. Here's why:

• All I ended up thinking about was how I'm graduating this year meaning it's the end of my childhood and to be frank, I'm scared out my f***in ming.
• How I let one of my best friends slip through my fingers and now he's nothing like I remember and completely dropped me from his radar and its BREAKING MY HEART! but I don't show it. I wish he would wake up and see how I feel.
• The people who I thought were friends I'm starting to see really aren't and thats hurting me too.
• It makes me think of how I hate how I look and never have the ambition to change. Every "new year" I try and every year its never any difference.

Other than that, relaxing over break was wonderful. I did not touch a single text book and it was great lol. Of course now that school is back together I'm back to being paranoid about my grades. Hopefully I'll do good on finals and it'll give my g.p.a a humongous boost that I could use to stay in NHS. All for now.

XOXO Gossip Girl.......lol lame I know.

J.L.