Today, Yesterday, and Friday

Friday

Had class from 9:10 until 11:10.

Geology and Math

I was still late to math.

Not my fault tho, blame the bus.

Chem @ 4:10 pm

My mom picked me up at 5:30

We went out to eat at Max & Ermas

Mom Daughter Time :)

I got to see my dog…I missed her so much

still do :(

 

Yesterday

We celebrated Labor day at my house.

BBQ’d it up big time.

Chicken

Ribs

Hot Dogs

Burgers

Corn

Baked Potatos

and we made Spaghetti Salad.

Uncle bought some garlic french bread and turned it into toasted cheese bread

and of course, we had chip dip.

Typical BBQ fam style.

Changed math classes

Same class different location and teacher.

Now it’s closer to NatSci which is good and better for me.

 

Today

Labor Day..Hope you had a good one :)

I went out to breakfast with my mom and Uncle.

Finished shopping around for little stuff for dorm.

Fried fish, made baked potatoes, and soda bread with mom :)

Came back to State and unpacked and reorganized.

Got Cable :)

Watched Star Wars

…still watching it

Discovered that one of my bearded dragons is very anti-social :(

He tried to bite me when i went to pick him up :(

I <3 him though, he’s still my baby

I remember when he was as long as my thumb.

First day of class

Classes:

1. GLG 201: The Dynamic Earth 9:10 am to 10:00 am.
2. MAT 124: Survey of Calc 10:20 am to 11:00 am.
3. CEM 141: General Chemistry 4:10 pm to 5:00 pm.

Walked to NatSci building (got there on time).

GLG class is cool, very depressing tho…but interesting.

Teacher is cool…funny kinda lol.

Tried to catch the bus for math….needless to say I was late.

My math teacher is really sweet and asian…heavy accent.

Long ass break between math and chem so I chilled in the room.

When I went to chem, caught the bus to the building.

I sware there were like 150 students in the hallway waiting for the chem class before us to get out.

The room had AT LEAST 200 people in there…that was over whelming.

Overall good day though :)

Especially because Ray came to visit me…I told my mom not to let him come unless she went through his phone and found no new messages from random girls…obviously she didn’t thank god. That would have killed me.

It all really confuses me just……..AH! it makes me want to scream.

I’ve been calling my mom everyday. Which helps a lot.

My step mom has been texting me which has been fine.

Third day of college life.

On My Second Day

I took the bus for the first time.

Went to my college colloquim that was quite interesting

Went to the Spartan Book Store and picked up the rest of my books

Walked on Grand river to visit Ned’s Bookstore

Took my first college Nap lol.

We Came, We Saw, We Cried

I moved into my dorm at school yesterday and my mom and ray stayed until like 6:50. I cried. I cried bad. Ray started crying, my cousin did a little. My mom though, she didn’t. Not that I saw anyway. I’m so grateful for the support system I have. CiCi came over last week and gave me a new robe and flip flops for school with olive garden gift cards. It made me cry. Although I don’t call her grandma, and I probably never will, that’s what she is.

Day 1 was yesterday and I had an anxiety attack when I woke up. After I started walking around and such it got better. Day 2 isn’t bad either. I’m about to go eat though.

 

<3 Jen.L.

Day 7

Day Seven: Four turn offs:

4: Guys who think they know everything. You Don’t. Period.

3: Large ass egos. It makes them care more about themselves and what others think and nothing else.

2: Acting like a thug, trying to fit in with the cool crowd. NO. Be you.

1: LYING!!! CHEATING/TALKING TO MULTIPLE GIRLS IS NOT OK

Day 6

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

5: Melaysia

4: Jonathan

3: Ramaun

2: My Uncle

1: My Mom

For the record I find this post unfair because there are like 5 more people I need to add under number 5

Day 5

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

6: Eaten bread...its my kryptonite

5: Got off my sleeping schedule dramatically.

4: Not study for finals when they were worth 25% of our semester grade sophomore year.

3: Lost focus in Spanish, I really wanna be bilingual.

2: Taken Brace days for granted.

1: Started playing Facebook games...so addictive.

Day 4

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

7: Growing Up because it scares me.

6: My anxiety because it physically makes me sick.

5: My mom and my friends because life incomplete with them.

4: School because I’m full of different emotions for it.

3: Life cause well its hard.

2: Sharks because I FUCKING love them.

1: Ramaun because I love/hate him and I always will (love him that is)

Day 3

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

8: Not obsessed with what other people think.

7: Genuinely sweet and nice.

6: A true gentleman. Opens the door. All that jazz.

5: BE TRUSTWORTHY!!!!!!!!!!!!! <-very important

4: Show me that you care don’t just say it.

3: Know how to make me smile. NOT just with jokes.

2: Love me for who I am and don’t try to change me.

1: Care about me on the inside and not just the out.

Day 2

Day Two: Nine Things About Yourself

9: I want to Double Major with Writing and Marine Biology.

8: My plan is to go to Hawaii for graduate school.

7: The two things I actually love about myself are my eyes(and lashes) and my hair.

6: My hair has not been one color since 7th grade.

5: I have severe anxiety issues to the point that I get sick.

4: I want a tattoo soooo bad but I'm scared as hell about it hurting.

3: I believe in God but I question my faith almost everyday.

2: I love reading and I can read really fast.

1: I LOVE SHARKS!

Day 1

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

10: She’s having an affair with Randy Orton!!! (John Cena- insider with Kase)

9: I love you, but I hate that I love you right now. (Ray- talking to another girl, called her baby)

8: Stop playing that damn banana song. (Kase)

7: Thank you for always being my best friend. (Mae)

6:You’re a fake friend all you care about is boys. (Lauren)

5: I don’t know what I’d do without you. (Mom)

4: You’re more than an uncle to me, you’re a dad. (Uncle Roger)

3: You’re a bad sister who can’t keep promises. (Nic)

2: The best decision I made in the last year was coming to you. (Alex - therapist)

1: You’re so busy yelling at me that you can’t see what’s really going on. (dad)

Just Because I Miss You

I Sware I feel this way lol

Party Hardy

eh life...smh

why do I bother again? I don't know. Went to a bday party today which was cool, that psycho girl was there and I just wanted her to go away.

Me & the BF are having issues as always. But it really is my fault cuz i dont feel the same anymore. Idk its weird.

13 Days until I leave for MSU and I'm petrified......and excited.

Check Out My Other Blog: jenuineopinion.tumblr.com

Fake People

I hate them. Go to fucking hell.

Who Did What Where Now??

Hi, my name is: Jennifer
Never in my life have I been: Skinny, I wish I was though. Not stick skinny but skinnier.
The one person who can drive me nuts is: Randy Marsh from South Park
High school: went fast as hell and fun but I'm happy to be taking the college step.
When I'm Nervous I: think to hard and get quiet.
The last song I listened to was: I Got Your Back
If I were to get married right now my best man/maid of honor: My best friend, Mae
My hair is: black and blue
When I was 5: I used to spend most of my time at my grandparents house.
Last Christmas: My boyfriend bought me two pairs of shoes, a necklace, a watch, and a green jewelry set.
I should be..: more outgoing and active
When I look down I see: my boobs and my feet
The happiest recent event was: going on a cruise to the bahamas
If I were a character on ‘Friends’ I’d be: ....no idea, maybe Pheobe
By this time next year: I'll be getting ready to start my sophmore year of college
My current gripe is: fake people...what is your purpose in life?
I have a hard time understanding: chemistry
There’s this girl I know that: is strong and blunt as hell and in secret I wish I could be just like her
I like you when: you on your grown folk stuff
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My mom
Take my advice: listen to what your heart is telling you, your brain will give you the logical answer but your heart will give you happiness
The thing I want to buy: a magic pill or something that will help me lose my stomach, in reality a horse
If you visited the place I was born: you would think its nice and suburban but u rather be somewhere else.
I plan to visit: Egypt (Cairo), South Africa (Cape Town), Italy, Spain and Austrailia

What a Week..

So this week hasn't really been the greatest. It coulda been worse but it coulda been a looooot better too. It's a lot to explain but its over now so I'm not thinking about it too much.

I wrote this long email to my dad explaining everything and how I feel as though he's never happy.

I got to see my nephew but then I guess he got mad at Ray because he messed up a lie to his mom. I don't know because I wasn't involved. I just hope he aint mad at me.

My cousin came up (from Holland to Ohio on his way home he passed through us) to visit on his way back. That was totally awesome. Then his car just died (kinda) so he stayed the night with us (which was fine).

Ray's always working.

I need to have sex cause now this whole it hurts thing is just pissing me off.

I haven't been to the "family" places I wanted to go this summer yet because fam keeps saying we'll talk about it and so on.

I leave for school in two weeks. Excited but petrified.

I'm going back on anti depressants temporarily until I get used to school and such....AHHH!@H!H

Sometimes you just need to scream.

Hanging with my bestie tomorrow..WOO i love her <3

Jen.L.<3

Yup

List of things to blog about when I'm not half sleep:
-Seeing my nephew
-My cousin coming to visit
-......

I thought there was something else but I can't remember.

You know what's cool? I have an app on my phone (droid market) that will let me blog from my phone. I'm not right now but I have.

Oh and I'm thinking of making a tumblr blog too. I think I'll name it JenuineOpinion.


Tired.

I remembered! Going back on happy pills.

Jen.L.<3

Not Today

I'm just...I'm tired. After yesterday I've been so down...I just wanna sleep. I think that's what I'ma do. Lay down and read.

Jen.L.

Today Was a Bad Day

Yea it was horrible. Worse day in a while. However, it was so bad that I don't even feel like blogging about it right now. I'ma hit some notes so I don't forget later.

Saw Rays dad, blamed me for him not seeing his son, blamed me for his sons grades, went all you don't know shit I know more than you on me, got all morally and stuff,..........I don't know if I like him anymore. I can't deal with these parents of his. I love him but I don't know if I can marry into some family like that....smmfh...bad cus day.

I also sent a long email to my dad. Hopefully he'll see it now but if not I can't do anything else about it. I don't think I want to.

Jen.L.<3

I Love to Read

So! One thing about me is I absolutely LOVE reading. I love holding the book in my hand nice and crisp, the smell of it (i'm not weird), turning the pages, but most of all, I love how it takes you to another reality and helps you forget about your own. I read a lot of different kinds of books. So I'm going to list out some that I've read:

• The Kite Runner (omg....so so sooo good and deep)
• Harry Potter 1-7
  
• Cirque du Freak 4-12 (I didn't know I had started reading it in the middle of the series, I was young don't judge)
• The Demonata Series (haven't bought the last book yet)
• House of Night Series
  
• Twilight - Eclipse (don't judge, the books are great...i DO NOT indorse the movies)
• What My Mother Doesn't Know (poem story)
  
• Speak (every girl should read)
  
• The Princetta
• Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
• Tuesdays With Morrie
• The Five People You Meet in Heaven
• Animal Farm (I liked this book)
• Wild Ones Series (Manga)
  

There are loads of others but that is just some. There are books I've read that are part of series I am continuing to read which I will list soon. I guess I'll just list them now:

• Black Bird
• Vampire Knight
• Morganville Vampires
• Petshop of Horrors: Tokyo (i finished the original series)
• Bloody Kisses
• The Good Neighbors

Again, that's just some of the series. There are also books I'm planning on reading that are part of a series but I don't know if I will like them. I'm always looking for more books so if anybody reads this and has an idea leave a comment. I doubt that though.

Jen.L.<3

The Want Without the Will..

That is what I have. I have the extreme want without the will to do it.

I HATE HATE HATE how I look. But you know, I'm not super duper fat either. I guess I'm a little bigger than the average American. NOT THE TWIG AMERICANS the genuine average American. As much as I wish I was skinnier, I don't have the will to do it. I've tried going to the gym but I get embarrassed because of how I look. I try the eating less thing (which I can do) but I love trying new foods and stuff like that. I don't know how to discipline myself into doing something like that. I tried doing like at home salads but they never taste right. I procrastinate a lot. Especially over this subject. I'm hoping going to college will help with that but the problem is I don't know if it will. I really want to lose the weight but I need help to do it....I need the will and the fire to get my cus up and go to the gym or walk around the block or do something....I'm trying to walk more if that counts for anything. I just...I don't know. I look for a quick fix when in reality I just need to get up and move. I know why I don't lose weight I just don't do anything to change that. I am NOT obese so don't get that idea. I just know I need to lose some pounds.

Jen.L.<3

When I Grow Up

I've come to the conclusion that no one reads this but me. I have one follower and that's my cousin (Hey Cassie). Anyway, just something to say.

So, I move away to school in...I think less than three weeks. True, I will only be an hour away but still, an hour away isn't like being here. I feel myself getting teary thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited but I'm scared as all hell too. So much to worry about and it makes me think that I'm going to start with the anxiety again. Speaking of that, I found out who my roommate is. She is a junior and she seems ultra cool. She likes Monty Python, Star Wars, and she even went to a Harry Potter movie premiere. The thing is tho, I don't mind her being a Junior but I feel like she doesn't really care about being friends or not. She went through the whole being a freshman thing and making new friends but I haven't yet and I'm excited about having a roommate like her but it seems as though she is passed that...I don't know. There's no way you can pick up a reading on someone from messaging each other on the computer. I just really want to be friends with her and all but I feel like such a lame kid for getting all giddy and cus (yea I'm doing the cus thing from Fantastic Mr. Fox...Great MOVIE!). Anyway, yea I just don't know. Because she's not a freshman, she moves in the day after me. I guess I have to wait until then to see what happens.

I never thought I would ever get to this point in my life. I'm going to COLLEGE. I truly feel like I'll be back in high school in the fall. People always ask you what do you want to do when you grow up and now the time is here to act on it. Just yesterday I sware my grandparents died. I sware I was just entering middle school. Just entering high school. Just turning 16. Now, its my last month of summer Vacation and I'll be moving into my dorm in three weeks...where did the time go?

Jen.L.<3

Mockingbird

This song Eminem wrote for his daughter and niece made me cry. I've heard it before now and it never made me cry then but hearing now it made me cry. If i believed my dad cared anything near that about me I would be happy. Hayley is the luckiest girl to have a dad that loves her so much.

Jen.L.<3

I'ma Face My Demons

I was listening to this song on you tube and I mean I've heard it on the radio but seeing the video made something hit in me. Seeing how strong he is and how much he's changed made him physically look better. The one part that I love is when he says "and i just cant keep living this way, so starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage....". That whole part just makes me wanna throw my hands up. My favorite line from the song is "all those who look down on me im tearing down your balcony." Which is big for me since i'm very down on myself. If you haven't seen this check it out...

Jen.L.<3

Summer is Gone...

LONG time no talk....type...whatever lol. I am out of high school and heading to college in the fall and it has me worried like no other. It's going to be such a big change at a humongous school in a small room with someone i've never met with harder classes.........ya nerve racking. Trying to figure out a way to manage it isn't the easiest either.

The entire situation with my dad has just gotten ridiculous. It was nothing wrong and then everything I said was a sign of "me being mad at him" but you know what? I never said he did anything wrong. I don't know what his deal is. Then he had the audacity to blame my mom for our relationship. He yelled at her saying she turned me against him and all this other stuff and I'm just like....what the f@#& is your problem??? But then of course he ignores me completely no matter what I say and then acts like nothing ever happened! SMMFH It is SO irritating. He needs to own up and be a man AND a father and see what he did wrong.

As far as love life...well thats fine i guess nothing bad nothing super good.

With high school being over, i'm starting to see that "friends" aren't really what they say they are. I'm so tired of being soooooooo nice and being taken advantage of because of it as a person and a friend. How do you even change something like that? I don't even know. I was reading this book in borders that said "You need to know that no one cares about who you were in high school. It's time to start with a clean plate. " I'm glad of that but it scares me too. I will know like 2-3 people there from school and like 3 from orientation. I'm really shy and although there is a leader in me, sometimes I don't know how to make it come out.

This blog is gonna become my best friend cause I'm not good with writing in journals everyday so maybe this will help.

I have a book to read for school too so maybe i'll blog about that on here too.

That's it for now.

Jen.L <3

The S is fading

I haven't kept up with my every week think but I have more time. As my mother says "there's no day like today to start."

Quick Catch Up:
Finals are done
School is out
Received scholarship for writing
Dad got distant
Prom is tomorrow...today technically
Ray's Birthday is Friday
Graduation is Saturday
MSU Orientation is July 14-15


Longer Catch Up:

Finals: Since I took the AP exam for all four of my AP classes, the only two finals that counted were Health and Desktop Publishing which were a joke. The finals in my AP classes I still had to take but the grade doesn't count against us or some shit like that. The two easiest finals were my AP Bio and AP Gov finals. They were my last two classes I had in my high school life. In my AP bio class, he gave us all the answers to the questions. In my AP Gov class, it was five short answer questions reviewing on the class...basically opinions lol.

School: Last day of high school was last Thursday. It was also graduation rehearsal. Nothing has hit me yet. The only thing I have noticed is that a lot of people have State license plates lol.

Scholarship: Honors Brunch was last Thursday. I got a $300 scholarship for my creative nonfiction writing. I also received Phi Beta Kappa. I got my Cap and Gown today. Medical and Natural Sciences Academy at school gave me a metal, and I got my NHS sash.

Dad: I can't even start on it. In a nutshell he's not going to my prom. He's not showing up to see me off to my prom. Idk..i'll write more on that later.

Prom,Grad: Prom is tomorrow! I'm wearing a neon green dress with black accents. I'm too excited :) Nothing is hitting me yet though.

It's late I'll finish more Friday.

♥

Jen L. <3

Moe

I doubt anybody reads this but Hi Again,

F.Y.I. Moe doesn't mean any person, i just saw that one of my other blogs was eeny meeny miney so now I put Moe.

Anyway, it's late and i'm not gonna be on here long but I really wanna try and at least get into a weekly habbit of writing on here. Crucial days are ahead and a lot has happened. I'm no good with keeping a diary so I'm really hoping I can do this. School tomorrow so I'm off.

XXOO

J.L ♥

A.M. Thoughts

I know I haven't been on here in a while but I guess it's because of all the stuff that's been on my mind. I turned 18 a couple weeks ago and all I've been is miserable. Sure there is some good stuff but all I ever see and feel is the bad. I got a Wii for my birthday from my dad and my mom got me a new phone but...that doesn't even matter to me. The only thing that has genuinely made me happy lately is this one game I have for my Wii called Endless Ocean. As crazy as it may sound, it is my life dream in video game form.

Everything seems to be piling up on me at once. School work seems over-baring and never ending, idk who my friends are anymore and all I ever feel like is a fuckin let down...

I'll write more later. Tired.

<3 Jen

It hurt, not that you care...

So yea, remember that girl that I said kicked me? She still aint talkin to me. I texted her later that day and she was like I aint know you was crying, how would I know unless you tell me and stuff and I said well you coulda asked or said I'm sorry what's wrong or something! and she said well I like to be left alone when I'm mad, so I left you alone. All I said back was if you say so. That's the last thing we said to each other. I'm not tryna throw no tantrum but I'm no longer gonna be the bigger person, especially cause I aint do shit wrong. So lets start me n this girls friendship off from the beginning (for the record, I was fine before she told her mom who told my mom about wanting to be friends)...

So over the summer, and during registration, my mom had been meeting with a few other parents about the ANP after graduation night. They were trying to raise money and all that jazz. Anyway, my mom ended up tellin me that one of the other moms was talking about her daughter. And when she said who it was immediately all I thought was she's popular and stuck up and all this other stuff based off of what I heard and what I observed. I didn't want to be her friend, but you know what, as time moved along, I realized she wasn't that bad and I didn't get why so many people felt that way and I felt bad for jumping the gun. We became close friends fast, although part of me was always hesitant {that something like this would happen!!!} but I let it go. She tells me stuff and I tell her stuff. We became close to, if not, best friends. That's why it hurts so bad. Me n my bestie{different person} have fought before but she can always tell when its something wrong with me. It hurts that someone that wanted to get to know me so well, who will get in my face about EVERYTHING, who always asks what's wrong when it's something wrong with me, couldn't even tell I was crying and I was a foot in front of her. Don't misunderstand, I know friends fight. The thing is, I know she aint gonna say a word about it unless I say something first...I'm not going to. This whole thing is dumb and it got blown wayyyyyyyyy too far, but hell, this is my life. It's always some kind of drama sometime happening to me.

I've made a couple new friends though this year that have the potential to be long term/best friends. We'll see what happens. Life always throws a curveball when you don't need it. Then again, I remember somebody telling my that God never puts more on your plate then what you can handle. My opinion? He puttin wayyyyyyyy to much food on my plate this week. This was some dessert on the side I didn't deserve. And it hurt.

♥ J.L. ♥

Do You Remember?

Ok so yea i'm over W but the problem is, i'll never forget him and the things he did for me and who he was to me. I don't have those feelings for him entirely anymore but, some part of my heart will always love him. This is for him, even though he'll never read it. He is a jerk, and i don't wanna boost his already extremely high ego but the old him was good memories. Idk wtf now.

Do you remember eight years ago when we first me?
We became friends so quickly, I don't even remember how.
Back in fourth grade, things were so much simpler.
Today we barely talk and when we do, it's not the same.
Do you remember eight years ago when we laughed all the time?
Messing around in class, getting along just fine.
Hitting each other like lil kids do.
Do you remember when you played basketball?
You would give me your chain while you played.
At first I would just hold it, then I started wearing it.
It was so nice knowing you trusted me.
Do you remember how close we were?
I thought it was something that would never end
You were the best friend I could have,
Somehow I changed in your eyes, I don't know why.
Do you remember when I broke my ankle?
I was chaising you but I NEVER blamed you for it,
You didn't talk to anyone until I got back,
But you didn't think I ever knew that
Do you remember the laughs and smiles we shared?
You probably don't but i'll never forget.
Those letters I wrote,
the things I said,
all those things I meant.
You're not the same anymore,
I barely know you now,
The ******* I knew is long gone,
But I remember all those things,
giving you a picture, a letter, christmas gifts, valentines
Maybe its not anything important to you
I still wonder,
Do you? Or is it just stuck in my mind.

Yea, I don't like this poem too much lol its ok though at least all my thoughts are out.

Midnight,

J.L.

Start off the day bad.

I should continue on what I said last night but I figure I should update on this morning first. It falls into last night's topic anyway. I dropped my ipod somewhere and its gone. I think I dropped it at school and if someone found it, they're not gonna turn it in. That's just how shit is at my school...my luck. Anyway, i'm heart broken by it. I loved that thing. I was crying for all of first hour and not one person said a damn thing to me. The first person that did kicked me, got mad cause I said i'm not in the mood and said I was just saying Hi and walked away. Friends. My friends. What kind of friend is that? What kind of friends do I have? So I walked to get some paper towel and my friend Janella, who I haven't really talked to much, and who sits on the other side of the room, got up walked to me and gave me a hug and asked what was wrong. Last I checked, that's what a real friend was. Of course I think I know at least a few other people that would do that but I could be wrong. Perfect example is the girl who I thought was a really close friend didn't do anything but kick me and get mad. Maybe I just don't know the definition of a friend. Maybe it has changed. Idk.

On another note. So I talked to W and apparently he aint goin to Eastern. That's what he said anyway, he could be lying so I won't know but I don't really care at this point. I know where I'm going and well...technically that's all that matters. He really just aint the same person to me anymore. He is a jerk. I hate that I loved him and that a part of me always will. He used to be so sweet and a true gentleman. All them sports got to his head. Now he's just like every other jock in high school. The sad thing is, I really thought he would turn out differently. I knew he wouldn't, but part of me had some hope that he would prove me wrong because the potential was there. Now he's an all state tri-athlete jerk. My other friend, Frank, he's not like W at all. He's still real and cool and gives me hugs and so do a few other boys I know that are jocks. To make matters worse, Frank is his best friend. So explain to me how your best friend can stay true to himself and his old friends but you cant. I asked him why did he ditch me when he got to high school and you know the first thing he said? Why did you? I'm like I tried hanging and talkin to you and you never wanted to. Never responded. Then he said right... I said what you mean right? I tried hanging with you over break and you never texted back. He said "sorry lol". I'm glad it's a joke to you. I'll keep that in mind when I'm reminising on all the old memories like when I broke my ankle, those letters I wrote you, messing with you in fourth and fifth grade. Those things will only be a memory from now on. At first I thought they were hope to a good friendship future. Now that future barely exists.

I gotta get ready to go back to school.

J.L.

Something to say...

Finals were last week, my final semester of high school is now activated. I sware it feels like yesterday I was a freshman and now for it to be almost over...it blows my mind. I do feel as though everything is spiraling out of my control though. It's always something else going on or something else happening. Not to mention the fact that friends seem to be getting faker and faker by the damn day. It's funny how on a normal day that aint got shit to say to you but then when they need somethin they're all around you begging. It's so funny to me. Recently, depression has just been hitting me harder and harder. Between me struggling with my weight, school, SPANISH CLUB CUZ OF MS. ******!!!!, and just friends/personal life in general, it's hitting me really bad.

The spanish club situation is making me want to quit. I used to love being in Spanish Club. Especially with Mr. M***** running it. With me becoming President, the club took a new turn. Now all of a sudden I'm not a good leader, irresponsible, don't contribute or anything like that. That's only her opinion. No one else in the club feels i'm that way (nor does the ex sponsor). So my question is Wtf is she on? Why is there a grudge against me? I have no idea. I don't really want to know either to be honest, it's just getting completely ridiculous. I could just quit Spanish Club, I don't need the stress. NHS covers the stress area enough lol.
NHS: 10 tutoring hours, 10 Character Points, 10 Community Service Hours, 2 Leadership Points. I have not even 1 tutoring hour (which can only take place at the library, field zone, or @ school, 2:30-4:30 Mon-THurs @ field zone, thursdays til 4 @ school). I'm going to try and do Tuesdays at the field zone but I don't really know. International club gets @ least 6 community service hours which is cool. Now I only have to worry about four. Community service hours are set which makes me feel good. Character points, right now I have two but I have @ least 3 more coming. You get a leadership point for each committee you actively participate in. I'm in three and then president of Spanish Club...if I don't quit. Lol.

Friends...you know thise was the main reason I was gonna do a blog today but I figure I would vent it all instead of just part of it. There are a lot of people I could name that haven't even been the same. I look around, especially during my third hour, and see all the people I used to be close with at different points in my high school life and it makes me shake my head. However, there are some people that have actually been doing really small random stuff that makes me feel like someone notices when I'm not at school. One person is Troy. Him and I have never really been that close, but you know what? Everytime he sees me, he says hi and gives me a hug. When i've been absent and come back to school, he gets on me about not being there in a playful mannor. That small tiny thing makes me feel so good just to know that someone notices. I know other people do too, and I know that my true friends care too but I don't know. Seeing someone that I'm not that close to notice and show me that they are friends if I need them made me feel good.

I'm getting tired so I'll finish l8r.

J.L.

A Concentration of..........

So yea, I haven't been on here a lot but there has been a lot goin on I guess you could say. I kinda don't really know who I am anymore. Well, only a few more months of high school and then three months of summer and off to school. Guess where I'll be going? MSU. That's a big accomplishment for me, I never really thought I would. I guess then I can some what start over but to be honest, I don't know when or if I'll be happy. Everything keeps spiraling out of my hands and I don't think I have the strength to deal with it. My boyfriend and I keep fighting about stupid stuff and I feel like we are so close to breaking up. A friend, someone that I thought was a friend, for many years, that i missed so much has turned into the biggest most arrogant jerk alive. Well, you get my point. So there's that, finals are this week, NHS Tutoring needs to get done and I just dk how I'ma do it all :( There is more to say but i don't know how right now so I'll try again l8r.

@^$#%^

So, I'm sitting next to my friend and we're reading the Blue Jays newspaper online and all of a sudden I saw a picture of one of my oldest friends and where he was ging to school. Somewhere I don't want to go of course. I am really just a little...hurt I guess...maybe let down...to be honest I have no fuckin idea what I feel. I'm angry and hurt and I guess a little of everything. He's going to Eastern...I am not even considering there...part of me wants to cry. He's always been there for me and now... I mean ok, he and I haven't been that close in a verrrrrrrry long time but he was there when I needed him when I was younger and he was the person he looked out for me and cared for me when I broke my ankle and let me hold his chain when he played basketball and now...! It won't happen again!! I hate him! I hate loving him as a friend and as more! All I've done is look out for him and he's always been there! I...he didn't do anything wrong by deciding to go there but now...now it's really goodbye. I don't know how to let him go...

Eeeny Meeny Miny...

Ok so...second blog...Here we go...(my boyfriend is sitting on the couch lol long different story)

So I have 5 topics according to my short reminder...oops 4. First topic was the Sonya thing.

I was checking my facebook page just to check requests and delete some stuff that wasn't needed and I saw one of my friend's statuses (if that's how you spell it) and it said "I'm starting to feel like I'm destined to be alone forever" (if not some variation of that). My first reaction is what?? We are the same age! She's actually older than me by a few months. I told her no she's not but she said she thinks she is. This got me thinking about my life. I had my first kiss in the 6th grade, only now do I realize how young I was. We (my class and friends) are still so young and yet we are so worried about having a man and being in love and it just makes me realize how fast we are trying to grow up. True we will be 18 soon, if we're not already, and will be legal adults but 18 is a baby compared to 30. Just like 30 is a baby compared to 50 and 6 is a baby compared to 20. There are so many things in life that we have left to experience that we shouldn't be worried about "love" right now. Sure look around, find a good guy to make you know what it's like. If you truely find someone who really is your knight in shining armor or your queen then enjoy it and live it while it's good. But if you don't, it's no big deal! We have our whole lives ahead of us, its no big if you don't find that guy right now.

Random but my bf is scratching my scalp it feel so good...ok all done. lol

Next...well the next two things could be long and again I got hw to do. So i'll have to do it tomorrow or another day. One thing I think I'm gonna start doing is like a song of the week or month. Think it would be cool. Well that's all for now.

J.L.<3

Something to think about...

Ok so I really have to do homework but I want to right (type whatever lol) about some things I wanna talk about so I don't forget.

• sonya destined to be alone
• Obama bail out plan
• friends via Lex
• song of the day,week, something...

Ok dont take my post thinking to hard on it. This is just a way for me to remember what I need to talk about other wise I will forget....trust.

J.L.

Day in the Life

It always seems like their is something to do...why did break have to end??? Between NHS and Spanish Club and Class Board and AP Classes it NEVER ENDS! Don't get me wrong I love all those things but I am running on two hours of sleep and I know I won't finish it all. Not to mention some days I just want me time. For example, today I have AP Bio definitions and I need to finish copying over the notes and TAKE notes of my own, I need to start reading the AP Gov chapter, finish reading AP Psych and read chapter two for AP Lit. Plus I need to write some stuff for creative writing but I probably won't do that today. Also I have to start writing out a character chart for Lit...it's a lot. I need some way of organizing it all. I'm just so tired it's crazy.

In other news, Christmas was cool. DIdn't get a lot but I didn't really ask for anything. I became obsessed with this Manga series and finished reading all of the books that were out in one week. New Years was ok, didn't really do much. To be honest, I hate new years. Here's why:

• All I ended up thinking about was how I'm graduating this year meaning it's the end of my childhood and to be frank, I'm scared out my f***in ming.
• How I let one of my best friends slip through my fingers and now he's nothing like I remember and completely dropped me from his radar and its BREAKING MY HEART! but I don't show it. I wish he would wake up and see how I feel.
• The people who I thought were friends I'm starting to see really aren't and thats hurting me too.
• It makes me think of how I hate how I look and never have the ambition to change. Every "new year" I try and every year its never any difference.

Other than that, relaxing over break was wonderful. I did not touch a single text book and it was great lol. Of course now that school is back together I'm back to being paranoid about my grades. Hopefully I'll do good on finals and it'll give my g.p.a a humongous boost that I could use to stay in NHS. All for now.

XOXO Gossip Girl.......lol lame I know.

J.L.